I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
