Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
