Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
