i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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