I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
