I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
