Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She said her name was "party"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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