8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
