yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
whose parrot is this?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
