Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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