my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
