Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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