she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
