Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
then he tried to convert me to islam
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
