True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
