Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
