I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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