My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
nutella sex= disaster
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
