when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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