Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
