I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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