I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
