Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?