There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk