this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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