My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
