stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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