I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
