Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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