she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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