Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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