So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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