im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
