I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
