throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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