you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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