Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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