i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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