i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
