We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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