It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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