I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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