I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
