she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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