Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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