I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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