Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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