I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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