I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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