Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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