im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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