he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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