I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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