You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
