I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
