I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
