the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
