Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
