I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sext me about skeletons
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
