whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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